Sometimes love isn't enough 2006
Yes it is gentleness
Gentleness that normally you would be getting from the love of your life, the man who is the father of your beautiful children. But you have explained that, that which I knew already from the ways you have been with me since we have first started talking.
You are being the lynch pin for a dysfunctional family - not yours - his. I understand why - your own children and their future stability.
I am not sure that you want the perfect everlasting love now but I do think you wanted a marriage on the lines of your own parents. Or did ( or still do deep down inside) A marriage of love and consideration - the full and joyous beliefs of the harvest festival
All the people had equality.
And people were joyful and merry;
They were all free from harm.
There was neither anxiety nor sickness,
Death of the children was never even heard of,
There were no lies,
There was neither theft nor deceit,
And no one was false in speech either.
Measures and weights were right;
No one cheated or wronged his neighbor.
Which is a problem for you because your husband is technically your neighbour and you are his and your long marriage is not as a loving marriage should be
As strong and as beautiful as you are with your children you must remember that so is he and he is having as much of an effect on your children as he is on you. We as children watch all that is going on between our parents and without concious thought, we emulate, build into ourselves, their ways. Either positively 'I want to be exactly like that when I grow up' or 'I never want to be like that'.
Gently and with as much tenderness as I know how to give and show anyone I have to say to you - how anyone could not love you is beyond me.
But I do understand damage and I do know that wonderful people can badly distort damaged people who see themselves as nowhere near as good as those who are built by love rather than distortion and hatred.
You worry for your daughter. Her ways are those of a timid fawn, scared to upset for fear of censure, for fear of upsetting by wanting things other than those on offer
your son rebuilds realities in order to allow all to join in
You are right, so right in so much of what you are trying to do.
You are also a woman with a problem that blows your head every short while. Stemming from being trapped in a hell with a man telling you to shut up or you would be stopped from being there for your children.
Your beauty of spirit possibly is blinding you to the obvious. You are trapped. You are not free to show your children all that a loving family should be because you live with a resentful man and that does show strongly to both of your young ones. They might not know what it is , it might be typical adult subtle stuff - faces that don't match voices, tones that don't match eyes - words that sound oddly harsh even when there is a smile on the face.
Already I love you too much for who you are to want to be silent when you tell me in strong words that this is so and that is so and thus it WILL be for you ARE strong and you ARE going to work the whole thing so your children grow up as beautiful as you.
I do not doubt for one minute that you are capable of working and building dysfunctional people into a whole that sort of works - I have few doubts that you will manage to lessen the damage a misogynist can do to children - even if he loves them with all his heart.
but they will have watched his ways with you and yours with him and it will effect them more than you can know.
Know this in between these harsh sounding words - I could no more stop loving you now than I could stop loving my own flesh and blood. you have shared so much so willingly and so beautifully that you have burrowed into me.
When you next have a panic time think on this - Time is moving on fast - The freedom you feel as you attain your goals is going to show you what you are missing - where you are trapped - and each attainment of your children is going to show you the trap.
Not an evil trap. Just a trap built on having to be thus because there is no choice.
Because choice might mean finding someone who loves you and shows it in front of your children and lets them know that it is perfectly fine to love you for you are worthy of great love and great respect for not only being Born Happy but for sharing that happiness so beautifully.
It is your trap
