I am 54 years old and I am still alive
I wake on my own matress on the floor of my sitting room in my rented house (my choice - the room is warmer than the bedroom and it has everything in it I need - and the door to the garden is there as well - I love my garden)
I put the kettle on and make myself a cuppa with fresh milk and nice coffee
I light a cigarette or sometimes a joint if I need to - and have one
I get dressed in one of my three pairs of charity shop trousers or in one of the pairs my son and his girlfriend have bought for me and in one of the T shirts and jumpers that I have been bought or have bought myself from charity shops over the years
I switch on my computer and hope it boots up first time - or switch it on and off a number of times before it kicks into full life and both the monitors light up and show me my desktops. I start my browsers and join in with a whole world of people and events that fill my life and head.
I pull back the curtains and look out over the trees, the houses of lower Harlech, the flood plain, the estuary and the mountains in front of me including Mt Snowdon - one of the most beautiful views in the world according to many.
If I am having one of my good times - times when I have the wherewithal - then I might get ready and go out and get in my car - usually less than £150 cost- at the moment less than £30 cost - and I will buzzingly drive to see one friend or another.
If I am lucky someone will have asked me to help them and I will then have a direction - other than my own - to follow for that day.
I might go to the larger supermarkets in the towns further away from my home and buy lovely things to eat and drink - I love fruit smoothies - not something I can get in my local shops.
I might even buy a present for one of my children, family or friends.
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Or it could be one of those bad times
I am still alive
but i am hoping just to die... depression does that
I wake up and wonder why
My dreams have been tortuous
I might even have been having diareah night after night after night for months so won't actually have slept at all just in case I crap the bed (not a normal thing now but it was for a few years after my heart attack)
I still have milk and nice coffee and live on that instead of food
I will roll three dogends together for my first cigarette of the day - luckily I stockpile my old dogends for the lean times
I won't have any joint making material so the best medicine for helping me through my down times is not available to me
I won't go out becaue I can't
I won't have transport of any sort
I won't have a reason to live
I won't have any money for a week or two until my next benefit cheque so I can't think about popping out and sharing someone else's resources - like coffee or milk or whatever
I will feel like shit, useless, pathetic, stupid, angry, sad, pointless
If I can I will stay in, away from the windows so no one can see me and judge me (my feelings when I am down) I might even spend the day saying 'fuck off'' into the air to anyone who comes into my head or to any noises that sound like someone might be visiting me.
If I have to get food I will pop out to the local Spa shop last thing at night just before they shut in the hopes that I don't meet anyone at all, let alone someone I know - this shop costs as much as if I had gone to Harrods
At these times it is likely that I won't have the internet - UK companies do not give a shit about illness and the inability to pay - they have executives to pay huge salaries to so why should they? (They offer free stuff and cheap stuff - as long as you pay the two tier bills that they demand after you have signed up under false pretences - BT is one such company, The Post Office is another)
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etc etc etc
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It is easy to be a lover of life when your are feeling good and you have the wherewithal to enjoy all that surrounds you, friends, family, every day people, the countryside and beauty that is all around for you to see, hear and smell.
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A few facts
I haven't bought a new pair of shoes in over twenty years
I haven't bought any new clothes in over twenty years - a mate did a couple of years ago and my children have bought me different items on my birthdays or at Christmas
Most of the time I was married to my second wife I was so brain blown with mental illness that I couldn't work buying my children presents for their birthdays or at Christmas.
I have such an odd relationship with money that most of my friends take it for granted that I will never be able to afford to do anything social that they do so I don't get invited to parties or to anything where I have to pay my way - and they don't offer to pay for me any more because I learnt years ago to say no because I have my pride as they say.
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My brain
Cattell scale 143-6 - Highly Intelligent
Wechsler scale. Over 132 - Very superior
MENSA tested IQ - top 2% of UK
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